Many high-capacity leaders unintentionally build strong companies and undernourished marriages. Not because they lack love, but because they have never been taught to aim their strengths intentionally into their relationship.
If you want a captivating love, you must lead it.
This is not about romance alone. It is about building a relationship marked by depth, durability, and desire. To do that, I want to share two frameworks working together:
– Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
– CliftonStrengths applied with intention
This conversation is personal for me. During my master’s program in counseling, in a marriage and family class, I was newly married when I first studied Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. Everyone in my immediate family had gone through a divorce. I remember sitting there realizing that love was more than passion. It had structure. It had connection. It could be strengthened intentionally. That insight profoundly shaped how I viewed my own marriage.
Three Components of Captivating Love
Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love identifies three components that shape every romantic relationship:
1.Commitment
The decision to choose each other and remain devoted over time.
2.Intimacy
Emotional closeness, trust, and vulnerability.
3.Passion
Energy, attraction, and relational vitality.
Sternberg identified 7 different combinations or different types of love relationships:
Commitment only = Empty Love.
Intimacy only = Liking Love.
Passion alone = Infatuation Love.
Commitment + Intimacy = Companionate Love.
Intimacy + Passion = Romantic Love.
Commitment + Passion = Fatuous Love.
Commitment + Intimacy + Passion = Consummate (Captivating) love, the fullest expression, holds all three.
Scripture reflects this design long before psychology named it.
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” – Ecclesiastes 4:12
Commitment. Intimacy. Passion. Three strands. Strengthened together.
Proverbs 5:18-19 NLT reads, “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be CAPTIVATED by her love.”
Captivating Love can also be translated to ravishing, exhilarating, intoxicating, and delightful.
But here is what leaders often miss: Love does not drift toward strength. It drifts toward neglect. You must aim your strengths into it.
Why Strengths Matter in Marriage
CliftonStrengths teaches us that talent is naturally recurring patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior that can be productively applied.
The question is not whether you have strengths. The question is whether you are aiming them intentionally into your marriage.
My late Gallup mentor, Curt Liesveld, deeply influenced how I think about this. In his teaching on aiming your CliftonStrengths at being a great spouse, he showed that every theme can either strengthen or strain a relationship depending on how it is directed. What follows is his wisdom.
Let’s look at each domain and how every theme within it can be aimed toward captivating love.
1. Executing: Building Commitment
Commitment is love lived consistently. Executing themes turn vows into visible action.
“Let your ‘Yes’ be yes.” – Matthew 5:37
Achiever® – My success often happens when I capitalize on the intensity and stamina of my efforts. I will work hard on being a great spouse.
Arranger® – Loving my spouse will involve loving their family of origin. I can do this best by coordinating events for our extended families.
Belief® – My relationship with my spouse will be resilient and strong when it is built on a stable foundation of shared, unchanging values.
Consistency® – Even though I abide by rules and roles, I see my spouse as an equal. The ground upon which our relationship is built is level.
Deliberative® – There are always threats to intimacy. With vigilance and care, I will guard our love and prevent its erosion or corrosion.
Discipline® – I plan and practice loving habits and meaningful rituals that bring stability and order to my relationship with my beloved.
Focus® – When I make my marriage a priority, I will be able to give my loved one the kind of single-minded attention they need and deserve.
Responsibility® – I will be an even better spouse when I make a daily, public recommitment to the vows I made on my wedding day: I do, I will.
Restorative® – Problems are normal to every marriage. I won’t be surprised or intimidated when one comes & I won’t rest until it is fixed.
Commitment is a repeated covenant choice, whether you feel like it or not. Executing talents build the backbone of commitment. They ensure love is not just spoken but practiced.
2. Relationship Building: Deepening Intimacy
Intimacy is emotional safety. Relationship Building talents create connection through presence, understanding, and affirmation.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.” -Ephesians 5:25
Christ’s love was sacrificial and attentive. Intimacy requires both.
Adaptability® – Instead of remembering the good old days or dreaming of better days I will be attentive to and present with my spouse today.
Connectedness® – The fact that I am with my spouse is no coincidental accident. Since it was meant to be, my commitment to them is complete.
Developer® – Committed to & energized by my spouse’s growth, I see their potential, invest in that potential & celebrate its full realization.
Empathy® – I show my love to my spouse by sensing their emotions, accepting and valuing their emotions, and encouraging their expression.
Harmony® – My calm, practical approach will keep our marriage free from the euphoria of emotional highs and the despair of emotional lows.
Includer® – My awareness and acceptance of outsiders means that our being close to each other doesn’t have to mean we are closed to others.
Individualization® – I am aware of my spouse’s uniqueness and this clear understanding of who they are powerfully impacts how I relate to them
Positivity® – My ability to sing, dance, laugh, smile, play and hope creates an emotional environment where a relationship can flourish
Relator® – My comfort with intimacy and my desire to know more about those closest to me can help me build a deep and sustainable marriage.
Intimacy is built when someone feels fully seen and still chosen.
3. Influencing: Protecting and Renewing Passion
Passion is relational energy, sex, and attraction. Influencing themes shape the emotional climate and pursuit within marriage.
The Song of Solomon paints a picture of expressed desire and admiration. Passion and sex in Scripture is not hidden. It is celebrated.
Activator® – Thinking and talking have their place, but there is always a time to act. I will be a catalyst for action in my marriage.
Command® – I could use this theme to fight for my marriage by confronting external threats and by dealing directly with internal pressures.
Communication® – Intimacy requires knowing the thoughts & feelings of another. When I talk with my spouse I move us toward greater intimacy.
Competition® – Comparison brings out your best. Identify a strong, healthy & loving couple. Strive to exceed their strength, health and love.
Maximizer® – My marriage thrives most when I am aware of what is best about my spouse. What is best about my spouse will change over time
Self-Assurance® – Because I love myself, I do not demand all of my spouse’s love and attention. It frees them to love themselves and others.
Significance® – My desire to be perceived as a significant person in the eyes of my spouse pushes me to do significant things for my spouse.
Woo® – As a couple, we will know & be known by many. I am more than happy to take the social lead or run social interference for my spouse.
Passion dies in silence. It thrives in intentional pursuit. Influencing talents keep love from becoming passive.
4. Strategic Thinking: Sustaining Shared Vision
Love without vision becomes maintenance. Strategic Thinking strengths help couples interpret the past, understand the present, and imagine a compelling future.
“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” -Proverbs 29:18
Analytical® – Life as a couple is an emotional rollercoaster. I will bring facts to our feelings & objective truth to our subjective experience.
Context® – Many couples forget what they felt like when they first fell in love. I won’t let that happen. I am the keeper of our relational history.
Futuristic® – I am inspired by a dream of what our marriage can become. I frequently & lovingly share that vision so we remember & persevere.
Ideation® – When I bring my natural creativity and innovation to my most important relationship, it will never become old hat or outdated.
Input® – I can make my marriage better by identifying, acquiring and using tangible information and tools that are useful to our marriage.
Intellection® – My love for personal reflection and philosophical discussions could bring deeper understanding and wisdom to us as a couple.
Learner® – Even though my spouse is the same, the world around them is constantly changing. I’m intrigued by the subtle evolution of my spouse.
Strategic® – When my partner & I encounter a road block in life, I can see ways for us to climb over it, tunnel under it or move around it.
Strategic Thinking talents protect hope and fuel perseverance. They help couples move forward instead of getting stuck.
When One Side of the Triangle Weakens
Many high-performing couples settle into companionate love: commitment and intimacy without passion. It feels stable but flat. Others stay in romantic infatuation: passion without durability.
Captivating love requires all three strands strengthened through intentional leadership.
Commitment keeps you steady.
Intimacy keeps you connected.
Passion keeps you alive.
Your strengths can reinforce each one.
The Leadership Connection
Research consistently shows that strong love relationships correlate with greater well-being, resilience, and productivity. Emotional security at home improves cognitive clarity and stress regulation at work.
You cannot compartmentalize your heart. The leader who is distracted by relational disconnection cannot lead with full presence.
When your marriage is strong:
-You think more clearly
-You respond more calmly
-You lead more confidently
Strengthening your captivating love is not a distraction from leadership. It is an investment in it.
Aiming Your Strengths Intentionally
Ask yourself and discuss as a couple:
-Which strengths and domain do I naturally rely on in our relationship?
-Which strengths and domain might be underdeveloped?
-Where is our triangle strongest right now: commitment, intimacy, or passion?
-Where is our triangle weakest right now: commitment, intimacy, or passion?
-How can each of us aim our strengths to create captivating love in this season of life?
A captivating love is not built on personality compatibility alone. It is built on intentional strength deployment.
You already have the talents.
You already have the covenant.
Now you choose the direction.
Because the strongest legacy you will ever build is not your company.
It’s strengthening your captivating love relationship.
If this topic intrigues you, dive deeper and experience a 3 session strengths-based couples virtual coaching package focused on your strengths, your marriage, your captivating love.
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